I've realised that I'm actually really angry at the moment, this isn't a natural state for me, I'm not very good at being angry if I'm honest. I'm the kind of person who lets their anger bubble away inside, so this blog is my emergency pressure release. If you don't want to put up with my whining then I don't blame you, but I suggest you stop reading now!
Shall I start with the lies? Perhaps "lies" is a strong word, withholding the truth might be more accurate, either way it's something that I don't like to do anymore. My young life was filled with enough lies for one lifetime and through those I learned a valuable lesson about how much lies hurt, not other people, but myself. This time I'm not lying for myself, I'm lying for my mum, but I'll be damned if I'll be censored here.
The reason for the lying would be my stepdad, who is making some... controversial decisions about how he wishes to live. Perhaps you already think that is slightly ironic coming from me, well trust me you haven't heard the worst of it yet. My stepdad has long be a transvestite, I've known for almost as long as I've known him (I know my mums shoe size, plus she has some taste of style) although to his knowledge I've only known since a little while after I started my transition. He is, in fact, a very stereotypical transvestite in that he wears the wrong clothes (most women nowadays wear jeans and a top, apparently this isn't good enough for your stereotyped transvestite, out come the overly frilly dresses, bad wigs and high heels for someone who's already over 6ft tall). He also attends trans club meetings and hangs around with other transvestites, generally making a night out of it and scary every close-minded heterosexual in a 5-mile radius.
However he has now decided that he is Transexual, a fact to which I am rather opposed. There are many many facts behind this, and how it coincides with my own transition that makes his actions highly suspicious, but I think my mum summed it up in a very concise way when she said:
"With you it all made sense, I didn't want to believe it at first but I knew it was true, but with him things don't add up"
I'll spare you all the details of why we think things don't add up and move onto the problems that this causes...
For a start my stepdad is having huge strops, and is angry with me for not telling him who my therapist was up at the clinic (which he's also being forwarded to now). I didn't withhold the information out of spite, but rather out of forgetfulness, were talking about a man that I've met 4 times, for a total combined time of ~2-3 hours and when we met, understandably, we didn't exactly talk about him. It should be noted that this occurred before he told me that he considered him transexual so I had no clue why he would be interested in that information anyway, but nevertheless he has refused to talk to me for a week afterwards.
Lets be honest this isn't the first time he's been cold with me for some imagined slight, the two of us seem to have inconsolable differences in our views of all things trans, I view my transexuality much like an affliction, I seek to be cured (to the extent that you can be) and to become a normal woman, I refuse to let my being trans affect my life any more than it has to. He, however, bathes in the "trans lifestyle" and I very much suspect much of his honest reason for wanting to transition, I'm not really sure about how to explain it, but its kind of the difference between gay men who act like any other guy and gay men who go around talking in that over-the-top accent and waving their arms about as if their muscles were made of elastic.
I suppose it comes down to the fact that I wouldn't wish being transexual upon anyone, the physical and emotional problems it causes are not to be taken lightly, and if someone transitions to the other gender then realises that they were happier in their birth gender. Well that puts them in the same situation that a real trans person is born in, only its a lot harder to change the second time (I've heard of people who have done it, but they aren't happy stories).
But there's the more dramatic issue that this means my mothers marriage is falling apart, my mum is such a loving person and I wish the best on her, she doesn't deserve all the crap she ends up having to put up with. Also there is the rather selfish reason that having my mothers marriage fall apart because her husband is trans will only make it harder on the rest of my family to accept me.
Moving onto my brother, he's just damn selfish in every way, living with him would be good practice if I intended to be a maid, as it is I intend to be a research scientist (though I'm not against being a maid for Halloween or bedroom funtimes). Is it so much to expect someone to clean up after themselves? To not leave scissors on the floor, to not leave dirty cutting boards all over the kitchen (Its not the fact he doesn't wash them, its the fact he won't put them in the dishwasher, or scrape the solid bits off and put them by the sink ready to wash). He currently has two suitcases full of clothes, which are for charity shop/ebay, sitting on the bed in the spare room, this isn't normally a major issue but they have been there untouched for 2 months, and I really need the space to start packing and sorting things out for university.
Largely though I'm angry with myself, for getting too angry over these problems, I live a fairly comfortably life, I don't need to worry about food or shelter or other basic needs, I'm healthy and reasonably well off.
Basically I think it comes down to this: Puberty is a bitch and I'm going through my second one, they say that chicken pox is worse when your an adult, I can say that the same is true for puberty. I'm also stuck in a situation where I hate how I look, me naked is something that would scare many people, there is no part of my body that I like, and due to the slow changes that I'm going through I'm stuck in an evil half and half situation which I can't stand. I suppose it wouldn't be fair to say this without providing proof, so, reluctantly, I'm going to do the brave, and possibly foolish, thing of showing you all my horrid mugshot.
Sorry for making a post which is pretty much all about trans issues, its not the focus of my blog and I really don't like taking over and filling the internet with my whining, but I really needed to get some of this off my chest.
I've been crying far too much these days...
10 comments:
I, for one, think it is a beautiful picture!! Stop being so ashamed of yourself.
As for a blog, some write for their readership or for themselves. In your case it appears to be for yourself (I do as well), so don't apologize for it.
I read your post very quickly, but remind me again why you would be opposed to how someone chooses to live their life? You lost me on that.
Its hard to explain, being trans isn't a choice on how to live your life, its more like an affliction, your born with it (though there are some other, rarer causes).
Given the basic concept of being uncomfortable with your body, transition changes your body so that you become comfortable with it.
However if someone transitions for the wrong reason then after transition they will be in the wrong body. So if a non transexual person transitioned they would essentially become transexual and need to change their gender back.
That's what I'm worried about, everything my stepdad says, it sounds forces, like he's reading from a script of what he's been told to say, and it doesn't add up with the person he actually is.And if I'm right and helies his way through the process then he'll end up feeling like I used to and as I said I wouldn't wish those feelings on anyone.
Hope that made sense.
I understand completely! *hug* Having been through it all myself, I wouldn't ever want to see someone do it without really taking in the consequences of the decision. It's not something you can change your mind about later, when you realise you can't handle the mocking, the hatred, the beurocrocy... Ugh..
If you ever need an ear, I'm out there. ><
Yes, I understand now, thanks for the clarification. I will have to admit I am not overly familiar with all the variations of "trans", so I found myself reading in circles. Don't worry, it happens often. ;)
Hey Jamie! I wondered if you still wondered around these parts, good to hear from you!
I am really worried about my stepdad, but he won't talk to me at the moment so there's nothing I can really do. I have to have faith in the clinic that they will be able to help him understand.
Oh and I'm sorry if I don't make things too clear Trixie, trans issues are very complicated and I'm trying to explain them in a way that doesn't require hour-long lectures in biology and psychology. I guess its only natural that I'll end up confusing people.
All you can really do is be there when he's ready to talk about things, and trust in the clinic to do the right thing, I guess. But it's very hard, I know.
And yeah, I'm still around, just my quiet lurkey self. =)
I'll second Trixie and say not to worry, that is quite a lovely picture. I'd definitely buy you a drink at the pub if I weren't across the puddle (or happily married). ;)
Some people go their entire lives trying ot figure out who or what they are supposed to do. Hopefully, beyond the uncomfortable trans feelings, you understand that at least you Know something about yourself. That's gotta count for something good. :)
As for your step-dad, my extended family went through something vaguely similar, and while it was rough at times it all worked out in the long-term for the best.
/hugs :)
See this is why I can't go around getting depressed, as soon as I do everyone compliments me half to death!
Though Maebius, I think you should have across the puddle in brackets and married as the main issue, don't want to get you in trouble here ;-)
I'll avoid wife aggro with the comment "she plays WoW" which gets a resigned sigh and smiling /facepalm from her.
Then she'd buy me AND you a drink and say "Don't want to hear about it. Go talk about your silly game but I'm watchin ya mister!" while she noshed popcorn with a wink.
So, Ale or Lager? :P
You're very pretty ^_^
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